@cheersmtj
I have a co-worker whose namesake is that of a recently deceased celebrity. For the myriad of issues which makes him painful to be around for more than 30 seconds, he is also an incredibly nice person. Nevertheless, my nerves were getting the best of me earlier this week, and I decided that MTJ should Tweet all of the things he says aloud. He (and by he I mean me) chose to name his handle the way he signs all his emails: Cheers, MTJ.
subj: greatest ever
I received possibly the best email I’d ever received the other day from my good friend, Tim Schulz. It involved the mother of one our college acquaintances. It is now posted here for your enjoyment:
From: Tim Schulz
To: Dean Philipsen
Subj: Greatest Ever
So Hal’s Mom is the iciest, coldest woman I have ever seen. I mean her name is Meg.
She looks like a ghost and a zombie had a child, and then that kid became a double zombie. All she does is ask questions, which she can’t hear because she needs a hearing aid. She refuses to get one.
Her husband, completely fed up and beaten down, spends his days outside weeding and trimming parts of the yard no one will ever see.
Well this gem is something I found when using the bathroom. Up front. Right there. Apparently she needs to medicate her cunt.
rain day
From: DeanPhilipsen
To: 2 Co-workers
Subj: omg its gross out
Can we take a rain day?
From: First Co-worker to Respond
To: DeanPhilipsen, Other Co-worker
Subj: RE: omg its gross out
Ugggghhh I hadn’t even looked outside! Yes please!? This is inhumane
From: Second Coworker to Respond
To: DeanPhilipsen, Other Co-worker
Subj: RE: omg its gross out
honestly though - waking up to this much rain truly makes me just want to stay in bed.
From: DeanPhilipsen
To: 2 Co-workers
Subj: RE: omg its gross out
I’m not coming in until 9:30. But that’s mostly because I’m pregnant with a chicken mcnugget baby which was caused by smoking too much pot, followed by my friend Robbie douchebag promising me he wouldn’t “let me go crazy” if I came to mcdonalds with him. He lied. I did. And now im waking up next to the attached picture filled with regret.
The DC Trip - Part IV
Before Part IV begins, I’d like to address a couple items, as Kate Hill’s memory has been badly abused by years of marijuana, alcohol, and prescription drugs. Not to mention all the minorities she’s banged:
1) I did spill BBQ sauce on Kate’s white shirt at Clyde’s. But that was the next time I saw her, on my second trip to DC, which can be referenced here.
2) It’s true I was on a sorority girl imitation kick being under the influence of Tim Schulz at the time (a full story can be read here). But again, second time I met her.
Click here to read Part III.
The DC Trip - Part III
Click here to read Part II
Day 3 - Saturday
Being that we had a relatively late night, Parker was able to sleep in past eight. Naturally, I was not. So I decided to spend some more time in the hot tub. Parker followed about an hour later.
“I am not being late for the Holocaust Museum,” I shouted as Parker entered the pool area.
“No they’re up and getting ready now. They want to get going too.”
“I’m starving. Do you think we can stop for food quickly on the way in?”
“You’re asking me if Beth is going to want to eat food? I think you know the answer to that.”
After relaxing a few minutes more in the hot tub, Parker and I headed up to get ready for the day.
As I stepped off the elevator, I heard some weird moaning sounds. “Parker, do you hear that? It sounds like a cat is stuck in the building somewhere.”
My 9/11
I am going to preface this post by saying if you are offended by 9/11 jokes, you should probably stop reading. The following intends no disrespect to those who were deeply affected by the events of September 11th, 2001. I choose to deal with tragic situations by laughing. If you are with me on that, please keep reading.
The DC Trip - Part II
Click here for Part I
After being forced to eat breakfast at the hotel, we finally got to the American History Museum about 1:30.
There are two types of museum goers in this world. First, there are those that can go through a museum, glancing at each exhibit until something catches their eye, and then sit and dissect that exhibit for a period of time. Then there is a second type of museum goer. This person will literally stop at every exhibit and study it until they have absorbed every bit of information there ever was about it ever; like they’re preparing for some quiz at the end of the tour where you win a million dollars. Guess what? There’s no fucking quiz.
Parker and I happen to be the former. And as the four of us walked through the first exhibit at the American History Museum, Parker and I discovered Polobarf and Bielebi are the latter. Of…course.
“Hey, you guys. Parker and I are gonna go ahead of you. Why don’t we just meet at the cafeteria when we’re all done and grab some coffee?”
The DC Trip - Part I
This is the story of the first time I thought I might not want to be friends with Beth Polobarf anymore.
It all started rather innocently. Sam was abroad for the semester. Parker and I thought it would be fun to do something different with our Fall Break. You see, for some odd reason in the middle of October, our school would give us two random days off for a four day weekend. I think it usually signified Columbus Day but never actually fell around the holiday. I had never been to DC, and Parker thought I would love it, so we decided to take a trip for a few days.
When I mentioned our intentions to Beth Polobarf in passing, she said she and Kyle Bielebi would like to go as well. Being that we still liked them at the time, we decided to make the plans. Polobarf researched and booked a room just outside the city, and they even offered to drive. We would leave Thursday around noon and drive back Sunday early evening – short and sweet.
It ended up being the longest and most unpleasant trip I’ve ever been on.
NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY
